50 has not been kind. High blood sugar, high cholesterol and last week I found a lump in my right breast. I’m a pretty private person so having to tell my boss why I needed to go to the doctor was horrid, telling my husband who is having his own health issues was even worse. I went to the doctor only to be told the obvious, yes that’s a lump. So now I wait, a mammogram and ultrasound are in my future which will ultimately decide my long term future. I have never been a patient person, they should give you Valium or something for the terrible anxiety you have waiting. Don’t really want to talk to anyone, it’s not their problem and that would mean admitting your loosing your mind to the darkest thoughts of what would be. So here I wait in limbo, trying to stay busy, trying to keep my mind from the 20 percent chance that my boob is trying to kill me. Trying to focus on 80 percent of the time its not the C word, and feeling such pity for anyone who’s had to play this waiting game and even more so for those who didn’t get good news. The worst part is I am angry. I work my ass off as a teacher, take care of my family, the house, the bills, cook special meals with low carbs for health reasons and try to be a good Mother, wife and friend. I won’t play the why me card, cause in the real world, why not me. But I’m so ready to know. Let me get my answer and decide how to proceed. The unknowing is the worst! I’m using my blog as my outlet. It’s better than whining to my family and friends. So if you come across this and feel led, say a prayer that all is good.